Olive’s Blog

Lately, I have felt so blessed to carry this baby.  I believe that something about this baby is so special that it is worth the months I have and will spend carrying him/her, the pain I will experience in delivering him/her, and the pain we’ve experienced in knowing we will likely not get to raise him/her.  Maybe this is because I remember, holding Reid for the first time (as well as during his first weeks of life), I had no clue he would be as special to me as he is now.  Maybe it’s because we always want what we cannot have.  Or maybe it’s because I’ve been entrusted by God with this baby.  Whatever it is, I do feel honored to have this baby for as long as s/he is alive in me or in this world. 

These are verses that Colby and I have been given a better understanding of through all of this…

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

-James 1:2-4

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of like that God has promised to those who love Him.”

-James 1:12

It wasn’t that long ago that we had Reid.  I remember the whole event so vividly; walking the neighborhood at night with my wife, holding her up as she experienced each contraction.  I remember the smell and taste of the air: very clean, cold and crisp.  Seeing the glow in the horizon toward the east, signaling a new day is coming and a new life is going to be introduced to the world… What an unforgettable and amazing day that was.

I am presently faced with the same situation, yet the picture I have is completely different.  Waking with my wife in tears and not being able to stop them because I realize that this is the day my child dies.  This day, not much different from others is the day I lose one of my greatest joys.  I do not know what help I will be.  I am scared that I will be so weak-minded, so mentally exhausted, and all my efforts of encouragement and stability will be met with doubt and fear.

If I find myself walking with my wife at dawn again, seeing the new day in the distance, breaking through the dark horizon, but feeling far different.  Cursing the coming sun seems reasonable.  How can I keep my focus on the task at hand when the outcome is so grim?

Dread… of losing my child, of failing to comfort my wife, of losing all rational thought, of mental breakdown, of losing or pushing away what little comfort my wife and I have.  Are these not all legitimate fears?

I have nothing in my life that can respond to these fears, nothing that can displace or convince me that they are not real or relevant.  Since I am convinced that I cannot battle them with my logic, reason or confidence what am I left with?  Nothing.  I have nothing.  I am empty, I don’t feel at times, and other times I feel far too much.  I sit at work and do my job only because it brings temporary relief from thoughts of holding my dead child or dying child.  I sit and look at Reid sometimes and pray to God with every ounce of sincerity I can muster and beg Him to please keep my son healthy.  I cry out in the same way, with tears running down my face, “please don’t take my child…say the word, just say the word and it will be done.”  I apologize seemingly everyday for, sometimes, I don’t know what, because I am tossed to and fro so often.  I recall Bible verse after verse to try and bring some sort of comfort, and I seem to be forced to recall verse after verse that brings condemnation at the same time…to what means?  Where is this taking me and my family?

The exercise ends when I am thoroughly exhausted, when I cannot think anymore, or when my eyes, checks and jaw hurt so badly from sobbing.  This happens at times without any trigger or explanation, sometimes more than once in a day.  I end up sitting in complete silence, mostly because I am exhausted and I can’t spend the energy on anything else. 

It is then when I am quiet, still, peaceful… I am assured that it is okay.

I don’t quite understand and don’t expect anyone else to.  I question, how, and that question is accompanied by assurance and knowledge that this is the only truth that I know.  In that moment I have peace, and when I give up I have rest. 

I am reminded of a story I read: A man was at a river, bathing with a group of others when he was separated from the rest and began to drown.  As he thrashed about in the deep water, another man, who was the most skillful swimmer, was standing still and observing like the rest.  The author explained how his resentment grew towards this man, who was much better equipped to save the drowning man.  “How can this man stand idly by, while one of his own is drowning in his presence”?  He knew that it would be nothing for the man to swim out and bring him to safety.  The drowning man’s struggle with the water was taking a turn for the worse, as he was slowly and painfully losing this battle.  Just as the drowning man lost all strength and began to sink into the water the skillful swimmer took two great strides and brought the man to shore.  The man was safe, exhausted, scared and overwhelmed, but safe.  After the ordeal, the author confronted the man who had so callously waited until the last minute to save the drowning man.  He asked him, “How could you sit by while one of your friends was drowning and do nothing until the last second?  What kind of sick enjoyment do get out of watching the sufferings of those you call friends?” 

The man replied, “I see you know nothing of swimming, so I will explain.  If I would have rushed in to save him the moment he began to drown, his strength would have overpowered mine and we both would have drowned.  I had to wait until he was finished fighting and all of his strength exhausted before I could save him.”

When I give up the fight, it is over.  Christ said, “It is finished,” then drew his last breath.  On that day the single greatest victory had been won.  I wish to follow that example throughout my life -His example.

Fewer times than I would like, have I been encouraged by people to follow Christ in the way I feel him leading me.  It seems this kind of encouragement is usually contradicted by an accompanying, underlying reservation or advice, causing me to think those people did not trust me, or were afraid to trust God to guide my possible “misdirected faith.”  I feel blessed and privileged since meeting with the Flemings last night.  They’ve encouraged me to follow Christ, and Christ alone in this trial.  I have found only peace and comfort in His arms, and though I waiver, fall, doubt, and sometimes fear the outcome, He does not.

We’ve been so blessed by people who’ve wanted to come over this past month to bring us dinner and hang out with us, some of whom we don’t even know personally.  Tonight Chuck and Daryl brought us dinner and company.  The time we spent talking was so incredibly refreshing.  We took from it a peace about how we are approaching God through this…  Since Wednesday’s prayer night, we wondered if we were supposed to pray with that kind of authority, with an expectation that God would heal our baby, as opposed to how we felt comfortable praying -with hope and humility, in submission to God and His will.  We wondered if our lacking of that expectation would prevent our baby from being healed, even though we knew that contradicted the love that He has for us. 

Daryl told us about her friend who was faced with a similar situation.  In the delivery room, where friends and family gathered in bold, authoritative prayer that the baby down the hall would be miraculously healed of all of its fatal (internal) deformations, the new mother quietly asked permission to pray.  With tears running down from closed eyed, she spoke to God with a smile and told Him that whether she is to live a life caring for a disabled child or give her baby to God, it is His baby, and His will be done.  That is the kind of obedience I would like to live.

While we can’t fully understand everything that is happening in our lives, much less in this world, Chuck reminded us of the line in C.S. Lewis’ book “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe,”  about Aslan (Jesus), not necessarily being safe, but He is good.  Throughout this experience, regardless of the outcome, He is good.

I received this email today from Daryl, our pastor’s wife, and I thought it, at the very least,  blog-worthy…  Thanks, Daryl!

The doctor we met today was very compassionate as she delivered the same news we received a month ago.  We didn’t imagine it being so difficult to hear the same thing again: no fluid, no kidneys, under-developed lungs… and an enlarged adrenal (sp?) gland, which often accompanies the lack of kidneys.  She was kind enough to answer all of our questions and concerns, including our concern of what we should expect our baby to be like when he or she is born.  She had recently assisted a mom deliver her twins, one of whom was healthy and the other with Potter’s Syndrome.  She explained that the twin with Potter’s Syndrome could not let out a cry, due to its under-developed lungs and did not turn pink like the other one did minutes after birth.  She offered to show us a photo, which that mom had brought to her that morning as a thank you.  It showed both of the twins lying next to each other.  We agreed that we wanted to see it and were relieved to find that they didn’t look all that different from each other at first glance.  We saw that the twin with Potter’s Syndrome was a bit blue-ish still and its nose was a bit mushed from the lack of space.  The doctor also explained that babies with very little room because of the lack of fluid will often have their noses pressed in a bit like that, as well as a few other minor differences.  Another thing we asked from the doctor was that she try to find out Baby’s gender for us, since we were unable to get a view during the last ultrasound.  We were able to get a view this time, but unfortunately, there was no black contrast of amniotic fluid to make out the specifics.  Maybe next time.

During our ride home, our disappointment made us aware of the amount of hope that had arisen in us.  The rest of the day was almost as difficult as the first day, in telling our friends and family the results of our appointment.  We decided to continue pressing into God for our miracle and plan to spend these remaining few months doing just that.

Since Wednesday night, Colby and I have experienced a new boldness to ask God for healing. I’ve realized that my reluctance to hope isn’t going to make this any easier to experience, nor is it going to better prepare me for what I’m about to experience. Still, we are both so nervous about this afternoon’s doctor appointment.

(music by Sherri Youngward)

Last night’s prayer meeting was like nothing else we’ve ever experienced.  It was pretty intense.  People prayed in tongues, pleaded with God, and prayed with an authority and boldness that we were unfamiliar with.  We felt so humbled at how much people care for us and our baby. 

My friend, Danaly emailed this morning, telling me about a sermon she listed to about healing and how inspired she felt to lay hands on my belly to pray for our little baby’s healing, if I would allow it.  A little bit later, Colby’s mom, Debbie called me to tell me about a conversation she had just had with Tina, her friend who runs the Livermore Pregnancy Center.  Tina, who had posted a picture of kidneys in the place where she prays for us, mentioned a strong desire she had to lay hands on my belly in prayer.  She said that when she had seen me at the fair a few days previously, she had to restrain herself from dropping to her knees and doing it right then!  Debbie also explained that she had that same desire, but was afraid to bring it up because she knew I was hesitant to hope.  She admitted that all the that times she asked me if the baby was moving, she was hoping to not only feel the baby move, but also to lay hands on me and pray for Baby without upsetting me.  Three people confronting me with the same desire in the same morning… I told them all that I would be honored.  Debbie felt an urgency to do this as soon as possible, considering that the appointment with the other Perinatologist for a second opinion is scheduled for Friday, the 14^th.  So, we set aside time tomorrow night and invited some other close friends who we knew would be interested.  I’m feeling a bit nervous, but excited about it.

We went to church this evening and were challenged to sit with God in silence.  It made me realize that I’ve been asking all of these incredibly difficult questions and trying to answer them as best I could for God, rather than giving Him the opportunity to answer me Himself.  Maybe I’ve been doubting that He’d answer me. 

Some of these questions include …

• Since it seems easier to let go, rather than hope for healing, why should I hope for healing?  Getting my hopes up for a healing, it seems would only set me up for further disappointment.
• If I choose to not get my hopes up for a healing, will my unbelief be to blame if my baby is not healed?

I assumed that Colby was going through the same emotions and questions, but when I realized what an asinine assumption that was, I decided I should share all of this with him.  I told him that I experience peace when I let our baby go and pain when I hope for healing.  I am afraid to hope.  He assured me that hope is a good thing and suggested that we look in the bible for scripture that referred to hope and trust.  Here are some of the versus that we read.  Almost everything told us to put our hope/trust in God…

• Psalm 25:3a - No one whose hope is in you (God) will ever be put to shame…
• Psalm 62:5-8 - Find rest, oh my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and my honor depend on God; He is my mighty rock, my refuge.  Trust in Him at all times, oh people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge. 
• Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
• Isaiah 40:30-31 - Even youth grows tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will sore on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
• Lamentations 3:19-23 – I will remember my affliction and my wondering, the bitterness and the gall.  I will remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 

Colby reminded me that when we originally began to experience peace in the midst of this, it was because our hope was being put in God, not necessarily in a result (i.e. our baby’s healing). 

This doesn’t mention hope or trust, but applies too perfectly to omit…

• Lamentations 3:31-33 - For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.  Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.  For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.  (BTW, was anyone else unaware of a book of the bible called “Lamentations”??!!  Oops.)

We will continue to pray for a healing, but our hope and trust is in God.  We believe that as long as our hope and trust is in God, we will not be disappointed.