Our unborn child has brought my wife and me closer to God than we ever have been or thought possible. I have also heard about and know first hand of others who have been affected so personally that it has forever changed their lives as well. One of those changed forever is my dad and his wife, Julie.
Eight years ago I stood in the kitchen of my house, crying out to God, begging him to forgive me and asking him what I need to do to be closer to him. The simple reply was, “Let go of you anger towards your dad and love him.” I told God that I didn’t love him and couldn’t pretend to. He assured me that if I made the effort, He would take care of the rest, including my dad’s salvation.
I realized now that the “anger” I had was one that was keeping God from addressing other areas in my life that needed to be repaired, so I could be closer to him. I also realize now that I didn’t hate my dad, I was protecting myself from the possible pain or disappointment I may experience if my love wasn’t reciprocated the way I believed it should be. Fear, fear of being hurt, embarrassed, and rejected, was telling me that this anger was legitimate and necessary for my protection.
I chose to trust God. Although I must admit, it was a bit awkward for me at first, God’s promise was always there to strengthen and assure me. Through the past 8 years, I have grown closer to my dad than I ever thought possible. The love I have for him is like no other love I have experienced. It started as a chosen love and has developed into an “I can’t help it” love and I am ever grateful to God for this.
On the 11th of this month, on my way home from work, I got a phone call from my dad, asking how Kristen and I were holding up. I told him something to the effect of “some days are better than others, but we are doing okay”. After a bit more conversation, he told me that he had something to tell me that may sound weird. He told me he was, “thinking about getting religious.” He went on further to explain that he felt that he had something missing in his life. My thoughts instantly drew me eight years back. There I was, standing in the kitchen looking down at the yellow formica and saying, “Okay God, I will do this for you, but you promise?” Back in my truck, I began to cry tears of joy and gratefulness, as my dad continued telling me that he felt something drawing him and he wanted to figure out what it was.
We talked for another 20 minutes or so and he asked me questions about church and baptism. I did my best to answer him, but could barley speak but to tell him how much I loved him. He’s since emailed to tell Kristen that he watched “The Greatest Story Ever Told” and commented how “it drew his interest right away, which it never has before.”
We spoke again earlier this week and Dad told me that he and Julie prayed together for the first time. He told me he prayed for the firefighters (in Southern California ), Kristen and me, and Ralph (my step brother) and his family. “That’s great,” I told him. Then with kind of a chuckle, he told me “I’m a sinner, Son”. I replied, “Welcome to the club, Dad. I love you.”
My son, my son, why are you striving,
You can’t add one thing to what’s been done for you.
I did it all while I was dying,
Rest in your faith my peace will come to you.
My child, my child why are you weeping,
You will not have to wait forever.
That day and that hour is in my keeping,
The day I’ll bring you into heaven.
-Keith Green “When I Hear the Praises Start”
10/19/07: 29-Week 3D Sonogram of face with foot and/or hand to mouth
(The ultrasound tech also predicted a girl, pointing out the three lines that they look for to make that indication!)
8/13/07: 19-Week Sonogram of face (left) and baby curled up (right)
6/11/07: 10-Week Sonogram
We are no longer waiting to go to Heaven, but now understand that, as ambassadors of Heaven, we are to bring Heaven here on Earth. To do this, we are to, not only make ourselves available as channels or vessels for God to work through, but we have to keep those vessels clear, enabling God to work through us.
In the beginning of this journey, I believed God could heal my baby. If He would tell me personally or show me some evidence that He was in the process of doing that (like a sign of a kidney in development via ultrasound), then I just might believe that he would. However, just like in receiving salvation, I have to believe (based on scripture) that He would do it in order to receive it. Faith comes before receiving. My lack of faith was blocking me, as a vessel, for God to work through. I wonder how many other works of God could have been performed through me that my lack of faith has hindered.
I know I sound crazy. Sometimes I wonder if I am. When I do, I just remind myself that the way I came to this conclusion is the same way that I came to believe in my salvation: by trust in God’s word. So if I doubt God’s word, then I doubt His credibility as a good God. And if I’m just plain delusional, then I’m delusional about the Bible being the true word of God, I’m delusional about my salvation, and my entire relationship with Jesus has all been a figment of my imagination.
I also can’t help but wonder what if I’ve somehow misinterpreted things somewhere along the way or got in the way of God’s work or something, and perhaps the Bible, my salvation and my relationship with God are real, but regardless, my baby will not be healed after all? Of course I’ll be devastated at the death of my baby, but I have a sweet son named Reid, a great husband, and an even greater God. I’ll get through it. Of course, I’ll be incredibly confused about my theology of how I came to believe God would heal my baby, but I’ve been wrong about things before and God has set me straight. I’ll get through that too. What I am concerned with the most is how others’ walk of faith would be affected and how I had misrepresented God. I realized in talking with Colby about it last night though, that this concern shows that I am focused on others and on God being glorified. Not such a bad thing to be! Besides, God is bigger than any mistake I can make. For now, I am just excited to have this baby! I’m amazed at that, considering that before, any thought of the day of birth was accompanied by the deepest sense of dread.
By the way, if the ultrasounds are accurate that this is a girl, her name is Olive.
We believe God is going to heal our baby. There. I’ve said it…. Or at least typed it… to the world!
We have taken steps to get to the point we are at…each step requiring more faith than the next, and God giving faith as we’ve pressed into Him and sought Him.
Step One: We experienced a peace that transcends all understanding by letting go of our child, giving our child into the hands and will of God. (We understood that God could heal our baby, but didn’t believe He promised us personally that He would.)
Step Two: We realized that holding onto hope did not mean letting go of peace, so we allowed ourselves to hope for miraculous healing.
Step Three: We began to understand, based on scripture and Jesus’ example, that God’s will is to not only heal our spirits, but our bodies, too.
Step Four: Through scripture, we’ve begun to understand that it is God’s will to heal our child.
Step Five: We believe that God will heal our child.
If you’re wondering how we got to and through steps three, four and five or if you’re just wondering how to pray for us or yourself or someone else you know who needs healing, then please read “When Heaven Invades Earth” by Bill Johnson, the pastor of Bethel church and at least chapter five of “Christ the Healer” by F. F. Bosworth. Otherwise, I would just be trying to rewrite here what they’ve already written in their books. Here, I’ll even give you links to where you can buy them!
When Heaven Invades Earth
Christ the Healer
We can’t wonder “What if God doesn’t come through…” We can only understand that this is one of God’s promises and believe that He is going to keep it. As Chris told us in his New Zealand (?) accent, “He’s a good God and He’s in a good mood!”
As I look at the situation that my wife and I confront, I see the “reality” of us losing our child and there is nothing we, nor the medical profession, can do to prevent such a tragedy.
I have been afraid my entire life of looking foolish. That is not to say I have never looked foolish before, but most things I have done, which may be considered foolish were done on my terms, under careful observation, appearing whimsical and dangerous, yet I had most of it under control.
During this situation I have had a lot of time to evaluate myself and I have spent quite a bit of time over the last few years asking God to expose areas in my life which keep me from Him. These areas I have found to be my most treasured areas… areas with huge walls, canons, motes, archers at the ready to fight off any oncoming foe, even if that foe be God. But what is this treasure I seem to hold so tightly? It has been Fear. But why do I value it so highly? Holding onto fear is a crippling and debilitating thing which provides nothing for the one holding onto it. I have not only held onto fear, but I have protected it, built these walls to surround it, and give it comfort and time to root in my soul.
It’s time the walls came down. No longer will I let fear keep me from the foolish.
After all, I’ve been believing in and trusted in many “foolish” concepts, just like many who may be reading this: God, the virgin birth, God becoming man, the resurrection of Jesus, being saved by grace…
What is so strange about believing God will heal my child? Why would I be afraid of looking foolish? What control do I have in any of this other than my belief? I am not going to let the fear of being wrong or foolish keep me from stepping into the unknown and unproven. Who will step with me?
Thank you for caring about us, whether we know you personally or not! Thank you for praying for us and lifting us up! We would love to hear from each of you. Please sign our guestbook, using the link below or the link in the sidebar to the right. And please don’t hesitate to leave comments with the links under the blog entries, as you feel like it.
If anyone stumbles upon this blog who is experiencing something similar, check out this website and get in touch with Tammy, who has provided us with priceless & practical support throughout this journey. Thank you for everything, Tammy!! http://www.perinatalsupport.com/
Love,
Colby & Kristen
No new news…
The doc gave us further evidence of no kidneys. It wasn’t as difficult to hear as it was during last month’s ultrasound. Not because we’ve accepted it, but probably because we haven’t. We are still praying God’s will (Isaiah 65:20) on Earth (specifically, in my womb!) as it is in Heaven.
Despite the direct view our baby offered during the ultrasound, we were still unable to decipher boy or girl parts. With no amniotic fluid to show up as a black contrast, the doc could only guess at Baby’s gender. His guess was based on a process of elimination (which is normally not their basis for determining this stuff); because he couldn’t see boy parts, he guessed that it is a girl. That’s what I thought all along, which means nothing because I thought Reid was a girl too!
We proceeded to make arrangements with the hospital for the baby’s body. It was interesting… While the doc answered my list of questions, I found myself wondering if I was going along with this show, just as I felt like when I was in the Bethel Church healing room last week before we confronted Chris, with all of our questions.
Chris told us not to couple with fear, regardless of the doctor’s report that we would receive today.
Colby and I have found ourselves in a tug-of-war over the last couple months between two schools of thought; one, having peace in letting go and the other, having an expectation for healing. With the first perspective, we loved the peace, but didn’t want to give up on our child. With the other, we loved the faith in God’s power and goodness, but feared the possibilities of humiliation and further disappointment.
Last weekend we drove three hours to visit Bethel church in Redding, based on a recommendation from a couple of friends. The church is known for their faith in healings, and we figured we had nothing to lose by checking it out. While there, we went to a healing service and to their regular church service. We met a guy named Chris at the healing service who, as well as a few others, prayed for healing for our baby. We noticed the difference in the way they prayed: with joy, rather than sadness, with expectation rather than hope, with single words at times, rather than sentences (i.e. “life,” “wholeness,” “completion,” “kidneys”). He also made it a point to pray against fear, reminding us that fear has no place with us.
During the time we were being prayed for, I felt like I was just going along with the show, not fully buying into everything he explained to us. We left the room and I told Colby that it still wasn’t all adding up. If it was God’s will that sickness and disease not exist, wouldn’t that mean we would all live forever here, instead of eventually going to heaven to be with Him? Why are only some people healed through prayer and others not?? Is my level of faith going to determine whether or not my baby is healed??? I wasn’t satisfied, so Colby felt the same way and convinced me to go back in there. Chris was glad to spend the time with us to sit and discuss these things. He explained that he personally believes that when our time is done here, we are to pass peacefully, at an old age, without disease. We were relieved to hear his honesty in saying that he couldn’t answer our question about why some faithful people are not healed, while others are. He referenced Jesus’ healings in the bible being because of those peoples’ faith and reminded us that God has given each of us a certain measure of faith and that great things are possible if we have faith the size of a mustard seed. He reassured us that he sensed our faith was greater than that. He clarified that the idea of our our baby not being healed due to our lack of faith is completely false and warned us of his personal experience with that bondage. He told us that the body of Christ (those praying for us in Jesus’ name) is there to lift us up where our faith may lack.
Chris also explained to us that we are praying these things from a place of authority, as we abide in Jesus, who sits at the right hand of God. We are praying these things down from Heaven, not crying out and begging up to God from way down here, on Earth.
We were even more encouraged after hearing the sermon on Sunday morning and receiving more prayer from Chris. We left with a new outlook. We have a renewed faith that includes confidence, boldness and peace. We are hoping that the overwhelming amount of people standing with us in prayer will join us as we pray for God’s will on earth as it is in Heaven (specifically Isaiah 65:20).
“Never again will there be in it (the New Heavens) an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years.”
-Isaiah 65:20a
(Music by Brian & Jenn Johnson)
I’ve joined the women’s bible study at my church. I chose the one on Paul’s letter to the Philippians because the major theme of it is experiencing peace and even joy during difficult circumstances. The teacher, Debbie Alsdorf describes it as “Living in the Meantime.” I figured that the 4 1/2 months I would spend knowing that I’m carrying a baby that is only expected to live for a few hours is quite the “living in the meantime.” Tonight’s study focused more directly on courage during these times and how our lives as Christians aren’t guaranteed to be walks in the park. On the contrary, Jesus tells us in the book of John, “I have told you these things so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Debbie also talked about not putting on a “brave Christian face.” I couldn’t if I tried tonight. I spent the entire evening either crying, trying to stop crying, or trying not to start again. Many days, when Colby and I have clear heads, we feel so close to God that we get to experience peace, joy, and even a sense of privilege to be going through this. Other days, like today, are a free for all. It reminds me of when I was in labor with Reid. Colby and I were committed to a medication-free birth. He was my certified coach. If I focused on him and his voice and direction from the moment a contraction is about to start, all the way until it passed, we were golden. If I lost focus at any time, everything seemed to spin out of control. I would be at the mercy of that pain, unable to refocus until that contraction passed and the next was about to begin. I seemed to have lost focus (on God) this morning. Everything spun out of control; I lost my patience with Reid, cried most the morning, and felt unable to regain control. I was just waiting for this day to pass, so I could start fresh tomorrow.
About the “brave Christian face…” I thought of myself as a pretty transparent person, in terms of being honest with myself and others with emotions through all of this. After all, I made it a point to create this blog in sheer honesty; not as a perfect devotional, not as a perfect example, but in perfect, transparent honesty. Colby disagrees though. We talked about it tonight and he said that I rarely give him the opportunity to hold me up. Again, the analogy of labor pains fits perfectly… He said that when I was in labor with Reid, he got to literally hold me up as I leaned all of my weight on him. I remember him telling me at the time that he would do it forever if he had to. Colby explained that during that time, he felt, more than any other time in his life, that he was fulfilling his purpose as a man and as my husband. He asked me to be more vulnerable with him, and give him that opportunity to hold me up though this.
This is our Potter's Syndrome Baby Blog. Despite the name of the blog, Olive was more than a Potter's Syndrome baby. She was and is our loved, little girl. Our second of three babies. Our daughter. Olive is a member of our family and a tiny little being who managed to change us, challenge us, and inspire us in the matter of one hour here on earth. Our sweet, little muse whom we include as one of our treasures in Heaven. This is her story and ours from the moment we learned at our 20-week ultrasound that she was knit without kidneys and would only be spending mere hours with us, if even born with a heartbeat at all.
