Olive’s Blog

Olive’s celebration was perfect. It was a day of heavy tears, yet relentless hope, arduous questions, yet insistent worship, Olive-shaped holes, yet extraordinary testimonoes of changed lives. Colby and I were overwhelmed by all the people, many who traveled from out of state, to celebrate our girl’s brief, but momentous life. The words spoken were beautiful and the songs sung were healing and full of worship.

Here are links to the slideshows that were shown today:

Olive’s Slideshow by Adobe Vision
Olive’s slideshow by Deb Wat or try this link

In closing, a letter to my girl:

All in all, it was a beautiful day.

I’m really excited about Olive’s party tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to celebrating the life, however short, Olive spent here with us.  She was such a blessing and so worth honoring.  I look back on her pictures every day.  She was just so beautiful.  I can’t wait until the day when I get to see her again.  I don’t know much of what to expect in Heaven, but I do know she’ll be there and that’s enough to stir anticipation in me. 

I still cry a little every day, but my tears have changed so much in the past three weeks.   During the first few days, they were uncontrollable tears of devastation.  As I gaze on her pictures now and watch and re-watch the video from after her birth, I cry mixed tears of joy and sorrow.  I’ve discovered though, that my sadness is for myself, not her.  I’m selfishly sad for my loss.  Forgive the cliché, but I know where she is and have complete comfort in that. 

I am still left with an inconsistency between two truths:  God being good and my sweet angel dying.  I don’t have the answer that will make sense of why she wasn’t healed.  Colby reminded me that, that is where faith comes in.  If we had all the answers, we would have no place for faith.  So, tomorrow we will rejoice.  We will praise God and will continue to praise God.  We will say, “Up yours!” to Satan because he won nothing.  Victory is God’s.  I will act on these truths and my heart will follow.

Does it need to be said that I wouldn’t rather have my daughter in my arms today?  Do I really need to convince myself of that?  I have never in my life experienced such an explosion of polar opposite emotions all within just a few hours.  I have never had faith that could move mountains followed so closely by doubt, to then be accompanied with peace, joy, tears and laughter.  To experience such conflicting extremes has given rise to some amazing mysteries that reside in the God I have put so much trust in.

The mysteries…

Can you solve the mysteries of God?  Can you discover everything about the Almighty?

Job 11: 7

He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness; he brings light to the deepest gloom.

Job 12: 22

How can we find peace in questions, in mysteries not being solved…  I don’t have any idea, however we have.  If there was any time to question the goodness of God, it would be now.  I wish I could tell you all of the hopes that I had for my daughter Olive.  The day I will never have of walking her down the aisle to her waiting and expecting husband, teaching her to ride a bike, letting her dress me up, paint my nails and put lipstick on me…   

My sweet Olive never made a mistake, never had the chance to error.  Never held hatred in her heart, never looked upon others with contempt, with envy nor became greedy, lusting after her own desire despite how it may affect others.  She also never had the chance to brighten someone’s day with a smile, to open the door for a stranger, to tell someone that she loved them.

She was in my best estimates as perfect as she could possibly be yet was never given the chance to live a life full of choices and opportunity which so many of us take for granted.  I am humbled that despite her perceived perfection she was taken while I and everyone who hears this has a life full of choices and opportunity everyday. 

We have life…  What do we intend to do with it?  I refuse to spend days here running in circles with unanswerable questions, holding grudges against a God that I will never fully comprehend or be angry toward those of us who are lucky enough to still be here.  I will ask forgiveness to those I have hurt, and make every effort to mend anything I have broken.  Most of all I intend on using my life to express my gratefulness to the God who has given life to me.