Olive’s Blog

Does it need to be said that I wouldn’t rather have my daughter in my arms today?  Do I really need to convince myself of that?  I have never in my life experienced such an explosion of polar opposite emotions all within just a few hours.  I have never had faith that could move mountains followed so closely by doubt, to then be accompanied with peace, joy, tears and laughter.  To experience such conflicting extremes has given rise to some amazing mysteries that reside in the God I have put so much trust in.

The mysteries…

Can you solve the mysteries of God?  Can you discover everything about the Almighty?

Job 11: 7

He uncovers mysteries hidden in darkness; he brings light to the deepest gloom.

Job 12: 22

How can we find peace in questions, in mysteries not being solved…  I don’t have any idea, however we have.  If there was any time to question the goodness of God, it would be now.  I wish I could tell you all of the hopes that I had for my daughter Olive.  The day I will never have of walking her down the aisle to her waiting and expecting husband, teaching her to ride a bike, letting her dress me up, paint my nails and put lipstick on me…   

My sweet Olive never made a mistake, never had the chance to error.  Never held hatred in her heart, never looked upon others with contempt, with envy nor became greedy, lusting after her own desire despite how it may affect others.  She also never had the chance to brighten someone’s day with a smile, to open the door for a stranger, to tell someone that she loved them.

She was in my best estimates as perfect as she could possibly be yet was never given the chance to live a life full of choices and opportunity which so many of us take for granted.  I am humbled that despite her perceived perfection she was taken while I and everyone who hears this has a life full of choices and opportunity everyday. 

We have life…  What do we intend to do with it?  I refuse to spend days here running in circles with unanswerable questions, holding grudges against a God that I will never fully comprehend or be angry toward those of us who are lucky enough to still be here.  I will ask forgiveness to those I have hurt, and make every effort to mend anything I have broken.  Most of all I intend on using my life to express my gratefulness to the God who has given life to me. 

The celebration will be held in the chapel with a reception to follow in the courtyard.

Childcare will be available from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00.  Just send an email to Renee Travers at reneet@cornerstoneweb.org to RSVP, including your name, your childrens names and ages.

CLICK HERE for directions.

Also, please see our request for donations in lieu of flowers in the 11/26 post below.  Thank you!!

Her Daddy…

Her Mama… 

Or her Big Brother?

noon (changed to 11:00 a.m.), in the Cornerstone chapel in Livermore.  We would love to give people time to briefly share how Olive’s short, but significant life has touched theirs, so if you’re interested in speaking, please let me know.  Thank you!
 

(Music by Brian & Jenn Johnson)

Although the last couple nights’ sleep have been preceded and followed by uncontrollable crying, I am sleeping through the night.  My puffy eyes and red nose are reminiscent of the days that followed the moment we received Olive’s prognosis in August.  I’m reliving those days, finding that I’m always either crying, trying to stop crying, or trying not to start again. 

Kim told me not to be ashamed, reminding me that I haven’t yet “come out of this,” that I’m still in the midst of it.   That gives me hope.

…we are asking for donations in Olive’s honor to be sent to any of the following non-profit organizations:

• The Livermore Pregnancy Resource Center 

The LPRC is a local organization that provides practical services relating to a pregnancy, child bearing, or relationships.  Tina Harrell, a friend of ours and the founder of the LPRC, has been of great emotional and spiritual support to us throughout this journey.  Colby’s mom also serves on the LPRC’s Board of Directors. 

For information regarding donationating to the LPRC, CLICK HERE. 

Thank you so much, Tina, for experiencing everything right beside us.  Love you! 

• Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

NILMDTS is an organization of volunteer photographers who donate their time, talent and services to provide remembrance photography to families in situations like ours.  The NILMDTS foundation is there for parents and families to help aid them in their healing, bring hope to their future, and honor to their child. 

For information regarding donationaring to the NILMDTS Foundation, CLICK HERE.

Deb, thank you so much for dropping everything to be there for us.  Your photos will be so treasured by us until we can hold our little girl again in Heaven.

• Carolina Perinatal Support Network

The CPSN provides a bridge of support for families experiencing an adverse perinatal diagnosis.  Through practical guidance, education, and compassionate support, they help to relieve the emotional suffering while preserving the dignity and integrity of the family as they make meaningful plans to honor the life of their baby.

You can donate to the CPSN by sending a *check to:

Attn: Tammy Tate
Carolina Perinatal Support Network
P.O. Box 5673
Greenville, SC 29606

* You may include a note that your donation is in honor of Olive Jacqueline Waltenburg.  Be sure to include your mailing address and you will be mailed a tax deductible receipt.

Tammy, thank you for all of the phone calls, emails and especially for the sweet gift you sent for Olive!  You’re guidance and support have been so helpful and practical throughout this experience.

We are planning on holding a Celebration of Life in the near future to honor our little girl and will post details on our blog as soon as we have them.  Thank you so much to all of our family and friends who have and continue to take such good care of us through this experience.  We feel so loved.  =)

My plans for today were as follows:

1. Rewash the clothes that I left sitting in the washer too long
2. Pack our hospital bag (for real this time)
3. Post pictures on my blog of clothes, blankets, booties, and other gifts friends and I had gotten for Olive

The way the day really went:
 

Meet Olive Jacqueline Waltenburg
Born November 25, 2007 at 11:38 a.m. (6 weeks early)
4 pounds, 0.4 ounces, 16 3/4 inches long

Olive stayed with us for one fleeting, but joyful hour.  The room was filled with family and friends, all of whom would agree to what a sweet, beautiful and perfect baby she was.  We can’t begin to explain how her life has affected us.  We can’t begin to address all of the questions we have.  All we know is she was worth it.  The one hour we got with her was worth the 34 weeks I carried her in my belly, every ache and pain, every labor contraction, every grieving moment we have and will spend letting her go.  We miss her so much, words could never describe.  We know she’s with Jesus and have never before longed to be there in Heaven the way we do now. 

CLICK HERE to read our birth story.

To see a short video clip taken moments after birth, login to YOUTUBE with the user name ‘waltenburgguest’ and the password, ‘olive.’  Then CLICK HERE.  You will get to hear Olive take her first gasps at air as she lets out a few cries and you’ll even get to see her open her eyes for the very first time.

 

Colby, Reid and I just returned from a visit with his dad and step-mom.  His dad’s response to God’s pursuit of him is so pure, sincere, and just what I believe the Lord is looking for from him.  Very cool.  They had a testimony on c.d. from some friends about a woman’s experience with her baby, who had such a grim prognosis that she was urged by multiple doctors to terminate.  In a nutshell, she was originally angry with God, fought for her baby on her own, eventually came back to God, found that peace that transcends all understanding, asked for His healing, but accepted whatever happened as His will.  Later on, an ultrasound showed miraculous improvement.  Baby was born needing a series of surgeries, but lives as far as we know.  After we listened to the entire story, they asked what we thought of it.

I was honestly kind of hesitant to get them involved in nitty-gritty stuff that may not be for new believers, but found that as I explained myself, my new understanding of God and His will to heal is actually very simple (and solid).  I explained that I didn’t agree with a couple remarks she made about how she felt God was up there saying, “See… I almost had to kill your baby to get your attention.”  I explained that, that is not consistent with the character of the God.  Jesus is described as The Light, The Life, Our Healer…  I absolutely disagree that God is holding my baby over my head saying, “Now, Kristen.  I noticed you weren’t reading your bible or spending quiet time with me every day, so I had to do this to get your attention!”  We live under a new covenant.  Jesus already atoned for all of our sin.  It is finished. 

We explained that this is all new to us, that we’re even venturing outside our home church’s doctrine by declaring healing.  We explained that Jesus “healed them all.”  That we believe it’s His will to heal all still, and that includes Olive, as He is the “one who changes not.”  We told them about the scripture in Isaiah (65:20) that speaks of the New Heavens and a New Earth, “Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years…”  I told them we were taking this scripture and praying the Lord’s prayer for His will to be done one Earth as it is in Heaven. 

We told them that, just as we receive our salvation by believing, we receive His promise of healing based on believing, and that is why we are already thanking Him. 

Mark 11:24
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

1 John 5:14-15
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us -whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of him.“

I’m not talking about the “name it and claim it” movement that I heard was preached against at last Sunday’s service.  I’m talking about a promise.  I’m talking about a good God.

I still think about the stories people have shared with me about the people they know who believed in healing for themselves and when they weren’t healed, family and friends walked away from the Lord.  This did invoke fear in me at the time, but I’ve chosen not to lower the standard of the bible to their experience or to my fear.  Even if Olive is not healed, I will not lower the standard of the bible to my experience.  I know it is not God’s will for my baby to die, just as it is not God’s will for any of us to go to hell.

Colby’s dad and step-mom also asked about our plan with medical care.  We assured them that we are not neglecting our baby of any necessary medical care.  The specialist we were seeing had told us multiple times that there is nothing we can do to save our baby and gave us the option to see our regular practitioner and continue regular prenatal care as if this was a normal, healthy pregnancy, since I am not at any risk.  We opted to do that because I don’t need to hear once or twice a month from the doctor that my baby is going to die, and besides, going back to our regular practitioner saves us an hour long drive.  =)

They understood all this stuff and were not overwhelmed, thank God.  They are praying for us and stand beside us regardless of the outcome.