Olive’s Blog

Today, our little Olive would be one year old!  Somehow the past year has dragged on, but flown by all at the same time.  Just like the day of her birth, today has so far been filled with both mourning and joy.  Colby and I spent this morning watching the sunrise, as we did the morning after losing Olive.  We also thought it would be an appropriate day to complete the writing of her birth story, which I’ve posted here to share with you all.  I feel like I’ve just relived that day by completing that.  Later tonight, we’ll be gathering with family to celebrate at the Olive Garden.  =)  This could be the beginning of a new tradition!

Anyway, happy birthday, dear Olive.  We miss you!

Click here to read Olive’s birth story.

The first image that came up on the monitor showed lots of darkness surrounding Baby, which is the amniotic fluid… EVIDENCE OF KIDNEYS!!!!!!! We were immediately being put at ease and able to actually enjoy the experience! The radiologists found everything that they wanted to, all major organs, including two healthy, functioning kidneys, and all extremities, as far as could be assessed via ultrasound. Since everything seems to be healthy as hoped, we kept with our plan to keep Baby’s gender a Christmas surprise (due date is 12/28!), although the radiologist said it was obvious to her. =)  We may even go forth with our desire for a home birth… we’ll see!

This feels like the beginning of a new pregnancy. I’ve already noticed a change in Colby in how he’s now allowing himself to get excited about Baby. And in perfect timing, he got to feel this baby move for the very first time last night as we were falling asleep.

Now for a sneek peek:

Baby’s profile with hand up to mouth and knee bent…

Profile of Baby’s face:

Profile of Baby’s face with mouth open, swallowing fluid, which technically is pee…. Let me help you understand the beauty of this…. Baby uses kidneys in order to pee, creating the amniotic fluid, which surrounds and protects him/her. Baby then swallows and practices “breathing” the fluid, which continues the process, meanwhle developing Baby’s lungs for life outside my womb. Since Olive did not develop kidneys, she was unable to creat fluid to help in the development of her lungs. And that is why this sonogram of Baby swalloing its own pee is such a beautiful thing. =)

Thanks everybody for your encouraging emails and phone calls, and especially for joining with us to pray for this baby until he or she is safely in our arms… (Then we’ll really need to start praying!)

This pregnancy has understandably brought on many recollections of all that we had recently been through, but most of all, it has been very healing for me. I’ve been forced to shift my focus to the future. A brand new soul brews in my belly! A little sister or brother for Reid and Olive. I feel sooooo blessed.

After our eyes have been forced open to the evil that steals life and joy, our experience with this pregnancy is no longer the blissful, innocent experience that it should be. We have our ultraound this Tuesday where, instead of being excited about the opportunity to peer in on this new life and potentially get a sneak peek on whether I’m carrying a baby boy or girl, we are battling nerves and fears of hope for a healthy baby. I’ve chosen to simply not worry, though. My worries or fears will not change any outcome, nor will any outcome influence our decision to carry this baby as nature allows. So, I choose not to worry and I choose to hope.

Please hope and pray with us for kidneys and all other parts that make a healthy baby! The ultrasound is this Tuesday at 1:30. We’ve opted to have a level two ultrasound, which takes extra time to check on each organ in better detail. I’m not nervous right now, but I imagine we will be as we drive to the doctor’s office, as I lie on the table, as the doctor stares at a monitor for what will probably seem like an eternity before saying anything. Adding to the sense of deja vu is the fact that this pregnancy is only one week earlier this year than my pregnancy with Olive was last year. (If you look at the very first entry to this blog, you will see that this ultrasound with Olive took place on August 13th, while this one is taking place on August 12th.) So, please pray for baby and for continued peace for us. Thank you!!

Here we are during our recent mini-vacation to Vegas.  Check out the new belly!

Colby and I spoke last Sunday at our church about our experience with Olive as part of a series called, “Love Made the Difference”. It was a very emotional and difficult subject to talk about publicly, but I think it’s already proving to be very healing. For the first time, I’m able to be open with new friends about Olive without struggling to hold back tears. I guess I just got it all out at once! If you’d like to listen to the message, you can click on the links below. …Plus, there’s an extra-sweet announcement at the end!

iTunes
First open up iTunes and then click on this link http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=211831061

Message Download page (RSS Feed) at http://podcast.sanctuaryweb.us/xml.php?feed_id=479

Thank you to everyone who has been thinking of us, praying for us and checking in on us. Colby and I are doing very well, considering all we’ve been through only four moths ago. I feel like a tornado has passed. The first stage was getting the diagnosis: seeing the tornado and knowing that it was coming right toward us. That stage was filled with dread, panic and despair, as well as a level of faith and hope we’ve never known before. The second stage was enduring the chaos: going into labor. The tornado was here. There’s nothing we can do now, but experience it. Then we found ourselves in the eye of the tornado: everything stopped when we gazed upon our beautiful baby girl. Nothing mattered -nothing that we had been through or were about to go through in order to have this moment with her. And then the other side of the tornado hit us. Adrenaline levels have plummeted. We were left to pick up the peices and now find ourselves rebuilding our lives, knowing we’ll never be the same.

Time heals, so they say, however the grief comes like waves: crashing down, subsiding, crashing down again. Thank God our hope is elseware: a place we can envision slightly clearer than before Olive because we know she’s there.

Throughout all of this, I’ve felt like I’ve been walking around with a massive, gaping wound. Ironically, this has given me an immense sense of compassion and empathy for people I encounter, especially strangers bacause I’m aware that they have no idea what I’ve just been through and therefore I become accutely aware that I have no idea what they are going through, or have been through, or are even about to go through. When strangers are short with me I think, “If only you knew…” but then I’m forced to turn that around on myself.

As far as future children go… We are undergoing genetic counseling. Despite everything we were told about this being a random, fluke thing, we’ve gotten contrary opinions since getting Olive’s autopsy results and figure the more we know, the better. Colby and I recently had ultrasounds to verify that we each had two, functioning kidneys, which we do. This was a relief because, if one of us did have something wrong with one of our kidneys, it would mean a 50% chance of something like this happening again with each of our future children. That whole kidney ultrasound experience was pretty emotional since we found ourselves in the same exact room with the same exact unltrasound tech as when we had our “routine” 20-week ultrasound, where we first learned something wasn’t right. De ja vu, anyone?

We’re definitely wanting more babies. I’m daunted by the thought of another nine months of pregnancy, considering I’ve been emotionally ready to hold my baby since last November. We are currenly not “trying,” but are “alowing” for another baby. =) I am nervous when I envision our next “routine” ultrasound with our next pregnancy. I feel like my innocense has been stripped and I will never again enjoy the naivness that should accompany routine check-ups throughout a pregnancy. I’m reminded of Adam and Eve being suddenly ashamed at their nakedness, even though they’d been naked all along. Anyway, I’m confident that, because of our trust in Jesus and our relationship with Him, we will be just fine.

As for healing… Olive, as described by our pastor at her Celebration of Life, is our muse. She forced us to claw for truth more intently than ever before. I still believe in a God who heals, who wants to heal, who has already paid for our healing. While we’d be expected to drop this whole subject after Olive’s death, on the contrary, we’re stirred and can’t shake this desire to see more of this side of God. I recently heard a quote by Jack Hayford, “If we pray for someone and they’re not healed, the only thing it proves is that we haven’t yet arrived.”