Olive’s Blog

Colby, Reid and I just returned from a visit with his dad and step-mom.  His dad’s response to God’s pursuit of him is so pure, sincere, and just what I believe the Lord is looking for from him.  Very cool.  They had a testimony on c.d. from some friends about a woman’s experience with her baby, who had such a grim prognosis that she was urged by multiple doctors to terminate.  In a nutshell, she was originally angry with God, fought for her baby on her own, eventually came back to God, found that peace that transcends all understanding, asked for His healing, but accepted whatever happened as His will.  Later on, an ultrasound showed miraculous improvement.  Baby was born needing a series of surgeries, but lives as far as we know.  After we listened to the entire story, they asked what we thought of it.

I was honestly kind of hesitant to get them involved in nitty-gritty stuff that may not be for new believers, but found that as I explained myself, my new understanding of God and His will to heal is actually very simple (and solid).  I explained that I didn’t agree with a couple remarks she made about how she felt God was up there saying, “See… I almost had to kill your baby to get your attention.”  I explained that, that is not consistent with the character of the God.  Jesus is described as The Light, The Life, Our Healer…  I absolutely disagree that God is holding my baby over my head saying, “Now, Kristen.  I noticed you weren’t reading your bible or spending quiet time with me every day, so I had to do this to get your attention!”  We live under a new covenant.  Jesus already atoned for all of our sin.  It is finished. 

We explained that this is all new to us, that we’re even venturing outside our home church’s doctrine by declaring healing.  We explained that Jesus “healed them all.”  That we believe it’s His will to heal all still, and that includes Olive, as He is the “one who changes not.”  We told them about the scripture in Isaiah (65:20) that speaks of the New Heavens and a New Earth, “Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years…”  I told them we were taking this scripture and praying the Lord’s prayer for His will to be done one Earth as it is in Heaven. 

We told them that, just as we receive our salvation by believing, we receive His promise of healing based on believing, and that is why we are already thanking Him. 

Mark 11:24
“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

1 John 5:14-15
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us -whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of him.“

I’m not talking about the “name it and claim it” movement that I heard was preached against at last Sunday’s service.  I’m talking about a promise.  I’m talking about a good God.

I still think about the stories people have shared with me about the people they know who believed in healing for themselves and when they weren’t healed, family and friends walked away from the Lord.  This did invoke fear in me at the time, but I’ve chosen not to lower the standard of the bible to their experience or to my fear.  Even if Olive is not healed, I will not lower the standard of the bible to my experience.  I know it is not God’s will for my baby to die, just as it is not God’s will for any of us to go to hell.

Colby’s dad and step-mom also asked about our plan with medical care.  We assured them that we are not neglecting our baby of any necessary medical care.  The specialist we were seeing had told us multiple times that there is nothing we can do to save our baby and gave us the option to see our regular practitioner and continue regular prenatal care as if this was a normal, healthy pregnancy, since I am not at any risk.  We opted to do that because I don’t need to hear once or twice a month from the doctor that my baby is going to die, and besides, going back to our regular practitioner saves us an hour long drive.  =)

They understood all this stuff and were not overwhelmed, thank God.  They are praying for us and stand beside us regardless of the outcome. 

The following has nothing to do with my sweet Olive, but at the same time she has had everything to do with the following:

Since deciding to fight for peace and faith, to not be satisfied with status quo, to remember that my God wants my obedience more than my sacrifice, I have had a week or so of simply thanking God.  I believe I spend more time now singing to him than ever before, more time thanking Him and recognizing His goodness.  In the simple act of thanking Him, I am realizing that He is greater than any thoughts, words or phrases I could come up with to describe Him.  Even my wildest imaginations don’t do Him justice.  Any of my attempts to describe Him usually end up with the phrase, “Man…  I just…  I don’t know.”

The God I serve loves the unlovable, does the unthinkable, and breaks the unbreakable, and is calling me to do the same.  I have come from a place of helplessness to begging, begging to believing, believing to declaring and finally, what seems to be some kind of happy submission, acted out in trusting obedience.  I wish I could write that this is all perfected in me and that I fully understand where this is going but it’s not and I don’t.  It is however, new and I believe it will be perfected and understood, and that is a beautiful thing. 

There have been moments, extended and some fleeting, where I see no impossibilities and I desire to rest and stay in those moments.  Despite my situation, despite my thoughts of “reality” or perception of “reality” I desire to live and reside in His.  I will sit in His hand and nothing can take me from it.

I can look my best and yet, still be prepared for any unexpected breakdowns!  I feel like I’ve been in survival mode these past few days.  I’ve felt incredibly irritable.  My patience has run thin with Reid.  I count down the hours and minutes until his next nap time or until Colby gets home.  I wake up feeling like I just can’t handle the day ahead of me.  I thought that maybe the length of this trial we are going through is just getting to be too long.  I think to myself that I still have two months to go and yet, I’m not even sure I can just do today.  (Being hormonal hasn’t seemed to help much either!)  Please pray for me to have patience -and energy and motivation to leave the house, too, which also seem to be running dry lately. 

In the midst of this, there’s the thought that flees through my head, “You’re an awful mom.  If you can’t handle this, then you don’t deserve the other baby.”  I’ve been dismissing this thought as a natural human thought that I choose not to entertain.  But when I told Colby about it, he said there’s nothing natural or human about that.  He told me we are at war, that he and I are right in the thick of it, and when I have these thoughts I can’t just shrug them off.  Obviously they don’t go away, they just linger in the back of my mind, which probably does more damage than when they’re at the surface.  He said I need to pray against them immediately and remind myself of what I’m entitled to as a child of God: peace, hope, joy, faith…

Another thing that’s been eating at me is the thought that most of the people following our story, watching it unfold, are hopeful, but unbelieving.  True or not, this also lingers with me, eating at me when I’m not even aware of it.  This whole question of healing and God’s will for everyone is is huge.  It divides churches and is something that I would have dismissed as unanswerable a long time ago if it were I needing the healing.  But it’s our baby.  We are approaching this head on because we have to fight for our baby.  Why were friends and relatives of people we know, who follow Christ and believed in their own healing, not healed?  I don’t know.  What makes my baby any different?  I don’t know.  Colby reminds me that it’s not our responsibility to convince anyone.  It is our responsibility to believe that God is going to heal our child, to continue to worship Him, to be grateful to Him, to be constantly reminded of His promises, to remember we serve a good God.

I downloaded Bill Johnson’s sermon, “What Part of Finished Don’t You Understand,” from Bethel church’s website, http://www.ibethel.org/.  Towards the end of it, he talked about declaring something so outrageous (not in an imaginary way) that God has to show up.  I cried out to God tonight, telling Him that He’s just got to show up for this. 

My fear is clever.  It occurs to me as I write this that it may be a living thing just like I am; it may have a heart, a soul and a body.  Its food is my attention, its breath is my affection, and it wants nothing more than my companionship.  I thought it to be lonely at first, maybe that is why I let it be such a close and guarded part of my life, but the more I walk away from it, the more I see so many have shared and continue to share their lives with it.

It tells me that I can’t live without it.  It tells me of greater fear that awaits me if I abandon it…  It whispers, “If you leave me, one greater than I will take my place…  You can live with me.  I’m really not that bad, I won’t ask anything from you -just a small corner, deep within your heart.  I’m not intrusive and I will only speak up when you are afraid, and I do so only for your best interest, to keep you safe from being hurt, to keep you from feeling disappointment.”

Even after great revelation, even after fear is exposed, it tries and tries to convince me that just a little fear is healthy.  It whispers on, “Even God says to Fear.  Fear keeps you safe and humble.   You cannot live on the mountain top.  You must come back to the ‘real world…”  Reality…what it that anyway?   Can I live on the mountain top?  Can we bring the mountain top to sea level?  When the feelings leave and the emotions begin to fade, must we fight for them?  Or do we trust them to be imparted in us…to be brought to us when needed?

A friend of mine told me about seeds…  To get the tree and the fruit, you must first take that precious, valuable seed and bury it.  Water and sunlight do the rest and what results from it is the product of that planting.

Have we experienced a planting in our hearts, a seed of revelation, which has now been buried, taking up residence where fear once occupied, and from it will grow a tree with fruit in plenty?

Fight or rest…  Cling or let go…  Run or walk…  All options are open and a case can be made for each, but what to do or not do?  Confusion is fears playground; I can see it swing with joy when I go rounds in my mind with questions that have no answers.  I do not wish to be confused, but questions and scenarios which demand answers will not stop and those lead me to confusion.

This confusion again has one solution…  Jesus. 

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.” 

-1 Peter 5:7

I looked up “Silent, God” in an on-line Bible concordance, trying to find a verse that said something to the effect of, “Sit silent before God,” but found the following instead:

“O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent.”

-Psalm 22:2

“That my heart may sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.”

-Psalm 30:12

I searched many other passages and found nothing to suggest sitting silent was a reasonable action, but instead found verses which lead me to believe what I am holding onto, this revelation, is something that I should fight for.  That I should call out to God and claim victory, cry out to Him without hesitation and contend with my enemies for what is rightfully mine, as a child of God.

Fear being my greatest enemy I believe the following:

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
From my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
But the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
He rescued me because he delighted in me.”
-2 Sa 22:17-20

I will fight for Faith and Peace.

Since I announced Olive’s name on this blog, people have been pointing out to me special significances in the name:

• O-live.
• The Mount of Olives is the last place Jesus touched.
• The olive branch, often seen held in the mouth of a dove, is a symbol of peace, originating from the story of Noah and the Flood.

Pretty cool, considering I chose the name before any of this ever happened because I thought it was cute.  =)

1. Insufficient Instruction
2. Lack of United Prayer
3. Community Unbelief
4. The Traditions of Men
5. Breaking Natural Laws
6. Unbelief of Elder or Minister Who Prays
7. An Evil Spirit Must Be Cast Out
8. The Sick Person’s Sin
9. Lukewarmness of the Church
10. Unwillingness to Surrender to God
11. An Unforgiving Spirit
12. A Need to Seek Forgiveness
13. Lack of Diligence
14. Seeking Miracles, Not Healing
15. Watching Symptoms
16. Failure to Act on Faith
17. Lack of Confidence
18. Not Receiving the Holy Spirit
19. Lack of Faith
20. Failure to Receive God’s Promises
21. Waiting for Healing to Believe
22. Focus on Improvement, Not on God’s Promises

Since I’m not about to try to rewrite what’s already so well written, below is an excerpt from section four, “The Traditions of Men.”

“The healing part of the Gospel is hindered and even made void by the traditions of men. Jesus said to the Jewish teachers of His day, ‘Why do ye also transgress the commandments of God by your tradition?’ In our day most preachers have done worse. They have made void a part of the Gospel by their traditions.

One tradition is that God is the author of disease and that He wills the sickness of some of His worshipers. It is a mystery to me how anyone can hold this view in the face of the Scriptures and the ministry of Christ. For three years Jesus healed all that were oppressed by the devil, or at least all that came to Him for healing.

If sickness is the will of God for His worshipers, then every physician is a lawbreaker, every trained nurse is defying the Almighty, and every hospital is a house of rebellion instead of a house of mercy. If God wants one to stay sick, it is a sin for that one even to want to be well, because we are to love the will of God, whatever that may be.

Another tradition that is responsible for thousands dying a premature death after years of physical agony is the teaching that we can glorify God more by remaining sick and exhibiting patience than we can by being divinely healed. An honest but unenlightened minister will often kneel at the bedside of one suffering with arthritis or cancer or some other dangerous disease. He prays, ‘Lord, since in Thy loving providence Thou hast seen fit to lay Thine afflicting hand upon our dear sister, give her fortitude and patience to bear this affliction.’ He does this instead of obeying the plain commandment to anoint ‘any sick’ in the Church and to pray ‘the prayer of faith’ for their healing (James 5:14-15). John Wesley says this method was the only process of healing in the Church until it was lost through unbelief.

Many are taught that one can glorify God more by remaining sick than by being healed. If this is true, then Jesus did not hesitate to rob His Father of all the glory He possibly could. He healed everyone that appealed to Him for help during His entire earthly ministry. His successor, the Holy Spirit, was sent down to augment what Christ had begun to do and to teach. He did not hesitate to rob God of all the glory He could by healing everyone in the streets of Jerusalum (Acts 5:15-16). Paul did not hesitate to rob God of all the glory he could by healing all the other sick on the island of Melita.

The most common and threadbare tradition is the worn out statement, ‘The age of miracles has passed.’ Of all the present-day traditions of the elders or ministers, this is the most foolish, illogical, and unscriptural of any that I know. The Holy Spirit, in whose age we are now living, is God’s only Miracle-Worker, the only administrator of the Father’s will. He is the One who healed all the sick multitudes who came to Christ for healing during the days of His flesh. All the miracles ever wrought until the day of Pentecost were accomplished by the Spirit, the Miracle-Worker. This was before He had entered officially into His own dispensation…

…Another tradition is that it is not God’s will to heal all. In previous chapters we have answered this objection from every conceivable angle. If it is God’s will to heal only some of those who need healing, then none have any basis for faith, until they shall have received a special revelation that they are among the favored ones. If God’s promises to heal are not for all, then no man can ascertain the will of God for himself from the Bible. Are we to understand from such teachers that we must close our Bibles and get our revelation directly from the Spirit before we can pray for the sick? Cannot the will of God in this matter be ascertained from the Scriptures? This would be virtually to teach that the whole of the divine activity on the line of healing would have to be governed by direct revelations from the Spirit instead of by the Scriptures.

Still others are hindered from receiving healing by being taught to add to their prayer for healing the faith-destroying, ‘If it be Thy will.’ There is only one case given in the New Testament of one asking for healing in this way. That is the case of the leper, who said, ‘If thou wilt, thou canst make me whole.’ This man could not have prayed otherwise because he was not yet informed as the will of God in the matter. Jesus did not heal this leper until He had added to his faith the fact that Jesus could heal him, then the faith that Jesus would heal him. The ‘I will’ of Jesus canceled the ‘If’ of the leper. It is impossible for one ever to pray with faith until the ‘If’ has been removed from his prayer. To have real faith is to be ‘fully persuaded’ that God will do what He has promised to do. No one is ever ‘fully persuaded’ when he adds to his prayer, ‘If it be Thy will.’ Since God has revealed His will in the matter by His promises, for us to say, ‘If it be Thy will,’ when praying for healing is the same as to say, ‘If it be Thy will to keep Thy promise.’

Another tradition that has hindered the ministry of healing is the teaching that Jesus healed the sick as the Son of God, not as the Son of Man. Such teachers believe that as we are not Christ, we cannot expect such works today. The Scriptures teach us that Jesus, the Son of God, emptied Himself and became like unto His brethren in all things, except as to sin. He speaks of Himself as ‘The Son of man’ about eighty times. As the Son of Man He said, ‘I can of mine own self do nothing.’ This certainly was not true of Him before He became the Son of Man. All things were made by Him and for Him. We have already seen that Jesus did His works in reliance on the Spirit. He ‘began both to do and teach, until the day He was taken up,’ what He Himself promised in John 14:12. These things He would continue and augment in answer to the prayers of the Church when He was glorified. The very words here quoted from Acts 1:1, ‘Jesus began both to do and teach,’ prove that what the Lord ‘began’ both in doing and teaching was to be continued by the Holy Spirit operating through the Church.”

I had most of these same misconceptions before Olive. She’s already taught me so much about God and faith. She’s given me a kind of boldness and confidence to walk with Jesus in a direction that is against the stream, that I can’t imagine who or what else could have prompted.

When Jesus spent forty days in the desert, He answered each of Satan’s temptations with, “It is written…”  I had to get back to His Word to be reminded of how I came to believe Olive would be healed…

We have a good god who wants to give us good gifts. 

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?  If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” -Jesus, Matthew 7:9-11

He is our healer.

Jehovah Rapha, one of God’s seven redemptive names that reveal to man what our redemption includes, translates as “I am the Lord that healeth thee,” or, “I am the Lord thy Physician.”

He is willing! 

“A man with leprosy came and knelt before him (Jesus) and said, ‘Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.’  Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.”  -Matthew 8:2-3

He healed them all when he walked here, on earth.  He’s already paid for it.

“When evening came, many who were demon‑possessed were brought to him, and he drove out the spirits with a word and healed all the sick.  This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah:  ‘He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases.’

Jesus is no less a savior and healer since His resurrection -He is greater and I am more united to Jesus now through His Holy Spirit than I could have been during His earthly ministry.

“But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” -Jesus, John 14:26
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” -Jesus, Mathew 28:20 

I need to believe to receive his gift of healing, just as with His gift of salvation.

“When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help.  ‘Lord,’ he said, ‘my servant lies at home paralyzed and in terrible suffering.’  Jesus said to him, ‘I will go and heal him.’  The centurion replied, ‘Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed.  For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”  When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those following him, “I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith.  I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven.  But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”  Then Jesus said to the centurion, ‘Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.’ And his servant was healed at that very hour.”  -Matthew 8:5-13

I can believe that God’s promise to heal my baby is fulfilled and already begin praising and thanking Him.

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  -Jesus, Mark 11:24

“Father, I thank you that you have heard me.” -Jesus, John 11:41 (after praying for Lazarus to rise after four days in the grave, but before He saw Lazarus come forth from the grave)

As F.F. Bosworth wrote in his book, “Christ the Healer,” “Faith is when God’s word alone is our reason for believing that our prayer is answered, before we see or feel.” 

I believe.

Our unborn child has brought my wife and me closer to God than we ever have been or thought possible.  I have also heard about and know first hand of others who have been affected so personally that it has forever changed their lives as well.  One of those changed forever is my dad and his wife, Julie. 

Eight years ago I stood in the kitchen of my house, crying out to God, begging him to forgive me and asking him what I need to do to be closer to him.  The simple reply was, “Let go of you anger towards your dad and love him.”   I told God that I didn’t love him and couldn’t pretend to.   He assured me that if I made the effort, He would take care of the rest, including my dad’s salvation. 

I realized now that the “anger” I had was one that was keeping God from addressing other areas in my life that needed to be repaired, so I could be closer to him.  I also realize now that I didn’t hate my dad, I was protecting myself from the possible pain or disappointment I may experience if my love wasn’t reciprocated the way I believed it should be.  Fear, fear of being hurt, embarrassed, and rejected, was telling me that this anger was legitimate and necessary for my protection.

I chose to trust God.  Although I must admit, it was a bit awkward for me at first, God’s promise was always there to strengthen and assure me.  Through the past 8 years, I have grown closer to my dad than I ever thought possible.  The love I have for him is like no other love I have experienced.  It started as a chosen love and has developed into an “I can’t help it” love and I am ever grateful to God for this. 

On the 11^th of this month, on my way home from work, I got a phone call from my dad, asking how Kristen and I were holding up.  I told him something to the effect of “some days are better than others, but we are doing okay”.  After a bit more conversation, he told me that he had something to tell me that may sound weird.  He told me he was, “thinking about getting religious.”  He went on further to explain that he felt that he had something missing in his life.  My thoughts instantly drew me eight years back.  There I was, standing in the kitchen looking down at the yellow formica and saying, “Okay God, I will do this for you, but you promise?”  Back in my truck, I began to cry tears of joy and gratefulness, as my dad continued telling me that he felt something drawing him and he wanted to figure out what it was.

We talked for another 20 minutes or so and he asked me questions about church and baptism.  I did my best to answer him, but could barley speak but to tell him how much I loved him.  He’s since emailed to tell Kristen that he watched “The Greatest Story Ever Told” and commented how “it drew his interest right away, which it never has before.”

We spoke again earlier this week and Dad told me that he and Julie prayed together for the first time.  He told me he prayed for the firefighters (in Southern California ), Kristen and me, and Ralph (my step brother) and his family.  “That’s great,” I told him.  Then with kind of a chuckle, he told me “I’m a sinner, Son”.  I replied, “Welcome to the club, Dad.  I love you.” 

My son, my son, why are you striving,
You can’t add one thing to what’s been done for you.
I did it all while I was dying,
Rest in your faith my peace will come to you.

My child, my child why are you weeping,
You will not have to wait forever.
That day and that hour is in my keeping,
The day I’ll bring you into heaven.

-Keith Green “When I Hear the Praises Start”